Ace-ace relationships

I’m in an ace-ace relationship, and I really didn’t consider it rare. My fiancé is ace, but is a lot more soft-spoken about it than I am.

Our relationship leans heavily toward romantic. I know she has identified as demisexual in the past, and I know I’m on the asexual spectrum, but I’m still questioning a lot of things. Our relationship works well on the simple basis that we both love each other.

Our relationship only really differs in one way from other couples, and you probably can guess what that is. We both have a particularly low sex drive, which is I think another thing that works in our favor as an ace-ace couple. I’ve known couples (not all, maybe not even the majority) that focus on sex, but for us it’s almost the opposite. Our relationship relies more heavily on romance / simply being there for one another.

– punk-assnerd

I am currently in an ace-ace relationship and it is the best relationship I have ever been in!

I did not know I was an ace until I met my boyfriend. He came out to me pretty early in our relationship and I learned more about asexuality and realized I am an ace too.

The hardest part is that both him and I have been in serious relationships with non-aces. We would sacrifice our "ace-self" and try to physically satisfy our partner. When we started dating, we fell into this same habit. Neither of us enjoyed the physical affection we were showing (making out), but we did it out of perceived social norms and previous expectations. After we talked about how we felt, everything has been better. We can both express when we want more than cuddles or holding hands, if we are feeling that inclination, or we can stop whatever we are doing and simply be together. It is refreshing and we have complete trust in one another and we are comfortable in our intimacy.

Another challenging part is our parents' views. His parents and my parents do not understand what it means to be an ace. Even after explaining it in several ways, they question whether or not it is real. Also, my older siblings do not know what it means to be asexual. Although they all are accepting, they do not know how to best support us. My mom told me, "sex is a critical part of a relationship and you need it to be frequent." Both my boyfriend and I laughed at that statement because everyone knows we love each other, yet we have never had sex nor had the desire to.

Lastly, we are planning having our own family some day. He told me that if we want to have our own kids, that is fine, but he also said that if I would rather adopt, that is just as good in his eyes.

I guess the most important thing is finding someone who supports you fully and who you support fully. Whether you are both aces or not, making sure you take time to understand one another is critical.

– kajzergirl11

I guess an ace-ace relationship is pretty rare, then factoring in if our personalities are compatible is another important ingredient.

An ace-ace relationship, as hopefully my first ever relationship/commitment, would be the ideal. I just can't and won't ever want to deal with the sexual needs of a straight guy--no matter how nice of a person he is. I just can't deal with straight people ignoring my asexuality.

Ace-ace relationships probably aren't talked very much because of quantity reasons. Or maybe, it's an ace thing to keep things lowkey but sincere? :)

– MatangLabo

I’ve been in an ace-ace relationship for almost 13 years. We had no idea for over half of that. It is pretty awesome as a couple but dealing with everyone else sucks.

Compared to my other relationships, it was extremely different. The first was just weird and short lived. I knew he was sleeping with one of my classmates, I didn’t really care because it was obvious that he was using me to make his mom happy (she adored me because I was such a “good” girl). The second one lasted a year. He broke up with me because he felt like our relationship was more like a strong friendship. The third was abusive. It was really bad, I have PTSD from it.

The biggest difference is that an ace-ace relationship is more relaxed. What one boyfriend considered a sign of friendship was very intimate for me. Without ever having to explain that my husband.

Most evenings are watching tv or playing video games while cuddling. Years ago our dates were to the zoo, volunteer events, and conventions.

We should have realized we were ace when I moved in with him and we had our separate spaces. Everyone would go on about why we would deny having sex, since people dating while cohabiting equates to sex. Our families pried into our sex lives a lot over the years. It is really frustrating.

No matter what, when it comes to a relationship, it results in having to deal with allos and their weird prying conversations.

Some interesting things about our relationship and family:

My husband is very heteroromantic and I go through bouts of almost being aromatic. Some of that is more my sensory issues. I don’t like being touched in certain ways (tickling makes me panic and cry, gentle touch and stroking makes me extremely uncomfortable).

We have three kids. The eldest is inching toward puberty. It is going to be interesting to see how that pans out. A lot of sexual things are off our radar. If they end up being allo, the teen years are going to be interesting.

– cariethra

I think my mother's friends is in an ace/aro relationship. They're "companions" not just "friends who live with each other" and neither are dating anyone. I've never asked them personally about it though so only second hand info. I think that's a very ideal relationship for me.

My sister relationship with my twin might be that already since we may continue live with each other throughout adulthood (both ace/aro). I've always been closest with family and I guess that's what ace/aro relationships are like anyway.

– Anonymous

I think probably the biggest difference in all-ace versus mixed relationships is understanding body language. Sort of the same as for neurodivergent relationships; the nonverbal cues are different. Something that might be sexual to an allo person might not ping my radar very much.

I think I tend to be biased towards ace-ace relationships just because they read my flirting better.

Last fall, I got out of a fairly serious for its length year and a half long relationship with a demiromantic ace. We were on the same page with regards to sex, which probably wouldn’t have interested either of us very much at all if not for kink. Even though I wasn’t sexually attracted to them, they had similar tastes, so it became fun.

– AprilStorms

A little late, but I’m in an ace-ace relationship!

Ive only dated one other person, who was a strong Allo. But that was in middle school. The only way I know he’s a strong allo is because I still kinda talk to him.

Anyways, if I had to compare, the ace-ace is so, so much better. We both know exactly what the other means, and we help each other through everything. We both understand that we have boundaries, and we clarified them too.

We’re very romantic, and our similarities and differences tend to balance us out as a couple, and we tend to be able to communicate silently through looks. We just have that strong mental bond and connection.

It’s honestly incredibly healing to be in an Ace-Ace relationship. As I’ve heard before, allo-Ace relationships you have to deal with figuring out what they’ll do when it comes to uh.. that. I’m a very repulsed ace, so I’m glad I don’t really have to have that type of conversation.

Currently, we’re about to hit a year together, so I’m excited!

– sunshine_kittens